i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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