You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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