I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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