Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
