my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
