Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
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When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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