Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
