I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Vodka?
Forever.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
