Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
someone owes me an orgasm
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize