Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
