I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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