as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
