My cat gives me a boner
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
