i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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