did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Randomize
