I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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