maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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