You work out of a Hotel?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
