I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
