Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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