When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
