Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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