Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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