mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
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Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
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You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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