I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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