i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
