Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
