I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
