At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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