Swine flu. Run for my life!
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
