i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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