i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dignity is for republicans.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
