I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
