if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
