Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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