we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
