I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize