He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
