cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
