and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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