walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
