My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
