sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
