I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
