Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
