I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
