there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
