My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
