She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
