my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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