There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He felt like a one man threesome
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
A+ Viking dick
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
