After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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