I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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