Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
