Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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