Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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