I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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