I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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